Four Years.

"He was my future husband, of that I was scarily certain, although I knew nothing more about him than that. It would become my repeated resolution to keep it that way. To know nearly nothing of him, and to expect nothing, for the long life of our marriage.

When we think we know someone, you see, we are already halfway to disappointment, and no one needs a head start on that.

This is not how we have learned to choose our partners, is it? This is not how we greet people, is it? With an open mind? With an eager hand? Like an unopened gift? Not when we make a life's work out of finding and keeping the perfect mate, the ideal match for our economic aspirations, political views, religious preference, height, weight, taste in coffee, and wardrobe sensibility - all ways we foolishly seek in another mere validation for ourselves. When we believe we know what's good for us, what's right, and what we're looking for - and believe me, we all do - we condemn all our current relationships and doom the ones to come."

                   - from Hand Wash Cold by Karen Maezen Miller 

Born Out of What You Don't Like Much at All.

"You could probably say much the same for other marriages, because marriage seems to give us far more of what we dislike in one another than what we like. We might quickly conclude that we chose poorly: erring by type, looks, interests, values, background, or beliefs. This may be the case, but it's still irrelevant. It's what we do with our mismatch that matters. Deep, transformational love is born out of what you don't much like at all."


-Karen Maezen Miller from "hand wash cold: care instructions for an ordinary life"



I am so thrilled. She is coming to D.C. to Lil Omm Yoga Studio. Saturday, June 21st and Sunday June 22nd. You can register here.

Our Wedding Ceremony: Marriage Address

 

 

Continuing on with sharing our Wedding Ceremony with you, here is one of my favorite parts of The Song of Solomon.

 

Our Officiant (my Mother) read this before delivering her Marriage Address.



Set me as a seal upon your heart,

as a seal upon your arm;

for love is strong as death,

jealousy is cruel as the grave.

It flashes are flashes of fire,

a most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love,

neither can floods drown it.

 

(Song 8:6-7 RSV)

Our Wedding Ceremony: Gathering Words

 

 

I recently stumbled across a program from our "Bollywood Farm Wedding." And, I realized that I had never actually written about how I created our Wedding Ceremony, which is a shame because it was what I put most of my energy into.

Let me tell you, it's hard to find an "Inter-faith Jain Wedding Ceremony" floating around the Internet. Or even an "Indian Inter-Faith Wedding Ceremony." I looked and looked and looked.

I wanted to use some Jain Prayers and pay homage to my Husband's Indian heritage without being sacrilegious. He didn't want to be married by a Priest and have a traditional Jain Ceremony.

If we weren't going to be married by a Jain Priest, I thought it would be poignant to be married by our Mothers. But, his is very shy, so my Mama was the sole Officiant. My parents were married by a relative and my Grand-parents were married by my Great-great-grandfather. So, it seemed right.

Our Ceremony began when my Husband processed out with 20 or so of his friends and cousins in an "Informal Baraat".

Then, his Brother and Father welcomed everyone. His Mother and an Auntie said the Navakar Mantra. And, then there was the Bridal Procession (more on that later).

My Mother then spoke these Gathering Words.

I love this quote...


"Each of us was brought into the world without any decision of his own. Each of us was stamped with the condition of mortality from the moment of conception. And so, of the three most significant events in our lives, birth, marriage, and death, it is only marriage that we have the full power of personal decision."

                                     -Robert Senghas

Our Anniversary Getaway in Frederick, MD

 

 

 

 

Working out at the Gym. Acupuncture. Gorgeous weather. Eating tapas in the Sun. An amazing Toy Store. A Nap. A Bath in Claw-foot Bath-tub. Walking hand-in-hand. More delicious food by Carroll Creek. A Charming Inn. An uninterrupted Night of sleep. A killer Break-fast by a Fire. A 1/2 hour Massage. Hello Kisses and Hugs from My Girls

Seriously, I don't know how we could have added any more of my favorite things to our Anniversary Celebration. It was 24 hours of re-connecting and enjoying my Husband's company. It was a blast.

We hadn't done very much for our previous two Anniversaries, so it was extra-special to really celebrate making it through these last intense three years.

Here are a few photos from our lovely time in Frederick on Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Know Nearly Nothing.

 

 

 

 

"Minutes later the revolving front door turned again. A dark-haired man in a white shirt entered. I watched the waiter lead him in my direction, into my room, into my corner, into the old woman's still-warm seat, eyeing me all the while, making clear to me, at least, the main course he was serving.

 

I was afraid I knew who this man was. I was afraid I knew who had come to have dinner beside me. I was afraid I knew, but for once I wasn't afraid.

 

He was my future husband, of that I was scarily certain, although I knew nothing more about him than that. To know nearly nothing of him, and to expect nothing, for the long life of our marriage.

 

When we think we know someone, you see, we are already halfway to disappointment, and no one needs a head start on that.

 

This is not how we have learned to choose our partners, is it? This is not how we greet people, is it? With an open mind? With an eager hand? Like an unopened gift? Not when we make a life's work out of finding and keeping the perfect mate, the ideal match for our economic aspirations, political views, religious preferences, height, weight, taste in coffee, and wardrobe sensibility - all the ways we foolishly see in another mere validation for ourselves. When we believe we know what's good for us, what's right, and what we're looking for - and believe me, we all do - we condemn all our current relationships and doom the ones to come."

 

-one of my favorite excerpts from Karen Maezen Miller's Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life

 

 

 

*** Photo of the sweet bouquet my Husband brought home to me for our Wedding Anniversary yesterday

Three Years.

Happy Anniversary, My Love.

Thanks for showing me what loyalty looks like every single day.

Thanks for teaching me how to be silly with the girls.

Thanks for being my very own personal chef.

Thanks for dealing with all the hordes of art supplies and herbs that I keep collecting.

Thanks for coordinating all the tiny details of our lives.

Thanks for going grocery shopping with our Eldest.

Thanks for making sure I get the alone time I need.

Thanks for answering all my annoying computer questions.

Thanks for making the bed in the Morning and putting your clothes in the hamper at Night.

Thanks for being willing to constantly go outside your comfort zone.

Thanks for being okay with us having different last names.

Thanks for helping me learn how to be better about time management (obviously I still have a long ways to go).

Thanks for going along with most of my crazy ideas.

Thanks for being such an amazing Support Person during the Births of both of our children.

Thanks for agreeing not to have a T.V. in the Living Room (even though it kills you).

Thanks for possessing the best lap in the World.

Thanks for holding my hand when I need it.

Thanks for infecting my Life with even more enthusiasm (if that is possible).

Thanks for driving us most places and for not getting (too) annoyed with my back-seat driving.

Thanks for working so hard and bringing home such delicious bacon.

Thanks for all your sappy sweet talk.

Thanks for doing all the things like dealing with the Mean Passport Lady.

Thanks for going to the both the PAIRS class and the ABC Parent Classes with me (even though you REALLY didn't want to).

Thanks for getting me a fancy Gym Membership, so I can take care of myself.

Thanks for the not fun job of paying my Student Loans each and every Month.

Thanks for constantly surprising me with good chocolate and good cheese.

Thanks for being willing to drive the crappy car to work, so I can drive the nice car.

Thanks for calling 10 times in an hour when you are worried about me.

Thanks for giving me two Curious, Bright-Eyed, Darling Little Girls.

Thanks for expressing your deep appreciation for me every single day.

Thanks for being on My Team.

Thanks for reminding me of all the good in our Marriage when I just want to give up.

The last three years have been intense, we've both been stretched and challenged in ways we never expected. I am so very proud of you and the person you have become. Thanks for choosing to spend the rest of your Life with me.

I love you.

P.S. I love remembering our Vows. Here are mine. And here are yours.

What To Do With The Worst Chocolate Cake Ever

I tried. I really did. But, I'm just not a Baker.

 

I made a Chocolate Birthday Cake using the recipe I had posted here. I wanted to do something special for Papa Bear's Birthday (almost a month ago). But, I had just had the baby and was not up to doing anything grand. So, Nye-Nye and I made the Cake.

 

My Sissy was visiting. Neither she, nor I could finish our pieces. We all agreed that it was the most driest, most awful Chocolate Cake, we had ever tasted. It was so dry, I had a coughing fit that lasted 10 minutes. But, my Sweet husband was a trooper and finished his!

 

This is what happened with the rest of the Cake...



 

 

My Love for "Love Dharma"

Love Dharma...  I can't tell you how many times I have bought this book and sent it to friends. It is the perfect antidote to a bad break-up. It has lifted me out of the Darkness after several heart-breaks and helped ground me during my tumultuous '20s. It may possibly be my favorite book. Or at least, one of the most influential.

This is not to say that this book would win any serious literary awards. Geri Larkin's writing is not something that will stand the test of time. If my daughters read it, (when they are in their '20s) they will probably say it feels dated. But, I don't care.

This book speaks to me. Larkin is a Buddhist monk who has been married 3 or 4 times, raised 2 children (including a son whom she almost lost to a drug addiction), had a high-flying corporate job and started a Sangha in the middle of Detroit. She's seen a lot.

It's refreshing to hear some Love Advice from someone who has been in a lot of relationships. You don't have to be a Buddhist or have any Spiritual back-ground to find Wisdom in this book. It's just plain good Advice. Her writing is open and accessible and makes you feel like you are sitting down for a cup of tea and a chat with a long-lost friend.

Larkin introduces the reader to numerous Buddhist women throughout history. Most of them are not well-known. She talks about the Crazy Wisdom these women found in Buddhism. I glean something new from this book every time I pick it up.

Can you tell how much I love this book?

What Did I Get For Mother's Day?

English: A handful of healthy worms coming out of coffee compost (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2000 worms.

Yup, Papa Bear bought me 2000 Red Wigglers and a nifty Worm Bin to house all those worms. He's the Best. I couldn't be more excited about my present.

He wanted to get me a fancy-dancy Tablet...but, I'm still a Pen-and-Paper-Kind-of-Woman. And, I've been eyeing the Worm Factory 360 for several years now.

I've made a few attempts at "vermi-composting" throughout the years...all using DIY Worm Bins. It was never much of a success. So, I am thrilled to try out a real-deal Worm Bin.

I can't wait until they arrive and Nye-Nye and I can start on our latest Science Project. I'll keep you updated on our project.

Hope you had a Lovely Mother's Day.

My Husband's Wedding Vows

Today, is the last day of my Month of Love. I thought it would be nice to end with sharing my husband's Wedding Vows. You can find my Wedding Vows here.

I have so much to say but so little time. These Vows on this paper are my Promise to you, but I can never write how much you mean to me on a single piece of paper.

I decided to start with the first day we met. As I recall, we met at Raj and Erin's party at about 1:30 am and my pick-up line was I am "6'2, 220 pounds with a rocket laser arm." A line that I stole from a Peyton Manning commercial. Then, I proceeded to have a dance off to win a date with you. And, a few dates and dinners and many dance-offs, later...

I am standing here getting married to the most wonderful person I have ever met.

So, when I decided to writes these vows, I had a few things in mind. First, I though about what makes "us" us. And, I though about our differences. We may be the two most different people in the whole world.


You like Art, English, Reading, History
I like Business, Math and Finance

You like Ballets and Art Shows
I like Football

You like to walk
I like to sit

You like reading books
I like reading reading business proposals

I like Hot 99.5 and you hate it

You kinda like the Lion King
I think it's the best movie ever made

You are White
I am Brown

You are from Maryland
I am from Virginia

But, when I think of our differences, it really makes us closer. You have opened my eyes to so many things and I am so grateful for everything you have showed me. The most exciting part of our relationship is that our differences give us a chance to learn about one another and that every day, I know I will learn something new. I will never be bored because you are so passionate about life and you show it every moment.

Second, I thought about our similarities. And, I thought about how we love to cook and dance and then, I thought about our Core Values. That's what made me fall in love with you. Our Loyalty, our Compromise, Our Understanding, Our Hope, Our Forgiveness, Our Kindness, Our Open-ness, Our Laughter, Our Love and most importantly, our Friendship.

Friendship to me is one of the most important things that I have to offer you. Today, I stand here and let you know that you are my best friend for life. I want you to know that I promise to love you, I promise to take care of you, I promise to be a great partner and father. And, most importantly, I promise to be your friend. I could not be happier to marry my best friend. I love you.

Quick...Send Out A Valentine with Paperless Post

paperless post (Photo credit: 'smil)

Whoops. Time flies and you didn't get to send out the Valentines you wanted. What have I done in the past? Jumped over to Paperless Post and ogled all their pretty designs until I narrowed it down to a few pretties.

I've been a huge fan of Paperless Post for several years, now. I loved their designs so much that I used them for my Wedding Invites and every other significant event since then.

Once you create an address book, it's embarrassingly easy to send out cards. It's cheap, too. And, good for the Environment. You can even print them out, if someone REALLY wants a hard-copy.

I like Paperless Post much better than Evite. My Inner-Print-maker loves how you can see the texture of the paper and the dizzying array of envelope liners. It's amazing the variety of designs, they now offer. They've come a long way in a few short years. Can you tell, I'm a fan?

A Fun Valentine Date for the History Buff

Phrygian Bronze Pots (Photo credit: voyageAnatolia.blogspot.com)

 I'll admit it....I'm a bit of a history nerd. Always have been one, always will be one.

The costume box at my childhood home was in constant use...my favorite thing to do as a child was to dress up as a famous person and attempt to re-live their lives. I often found interesting people while flipping through our Encyclopedia. Remember those?

If you are a bit of a history nerd too....then I have the perfect cheap date night.

How about drinking some beer from a 9,000 year-old recipe? Dogfish Head has been brewing beer from some seriously old recipes for over a decade now. Their first foray into the world of "Ancient Ales" began when the company teamed up with a molecular archeologist to recreate what was drank at the funeral of King Midas.

When that proved to be a success, they moved onto ancient China (that's where the 9,000 year-old recipe comes into play).

My husband is the beer drinker in the family but even I got excited when I read about Theobroma. Chocolate???? Yes, please. (Check out the man behind the science).

So, what has that got to do with a "cheap Valentine date night?" My idea is to spend an evening preparing and eating a meal around whatever historic brew catches your eye.

How fun would it be to do a little research and pair an ancient ale with an ancient meal? Seriously fun.

Last Valentine's Day... Papa Bear and I drank Midas Touch while devouring a lamb and lentil stew (supposedly that was the meal consumed by all the mourners at King Mida's tomb). We ate the stew and some naan (also believed to have been eaten at the funeral feast).

The meal was a success! The beer was good (I'm not even a beer drinker) and the meal went perfectly with our beverage of choice.

We had such a blast, we'll planning on doing it again this Valentine's Day. This time we are thinking of going Italian with "Dogfish's latest Ancient Ale " Birra Etrusca Bronze Ale. Italy isn't just about the wines. I'll have a sip or two and tell you what I think.

Here are some of my ideas of excellent beer and meal combos...

Theobroma would work well with turkey and mole verde (and a honeyed yucca dessert).


Sah'tea would be nice with some pea soup, some Finnish meatballs and rye bread (and pancakes with jam for dessert).


Chateau Jiahu could be paired with any of these recipes.


The possibilities are endless. It's also a fun family night (no need to let adults have all the fun... although, obviously, the adults would be the ones partaking in the inspiration behind the meal). Find some music and games to play (maybe even a costume or two, if your kids enjoy dressing up) and you are good to go...

Do any of those meals sound good to you?

A Valentine for the Chef in Your Life

This is the present I made for my husband for our First Wedding Anniversary. It's sentimental, cheesy and practical...things my husband appreciates. He used the spices in this book several times a week for 6 months, until they were all gone! It made me smile every time I saw him use this present.

Not only does it make a nice Anniversary gift, but it could also rock somebody's world on Valentine's Day gift. Did I mention already that I like making books? I spent 45 minutes gathering supplies and 1 hour assembling the book.

I began by heading to the Spice & Tea Exchange in Alexandria (they have locations across the country, if you like to cook beware....this place is addicting and dangerous to your wallet). It helped that my husband and I had agreed upon a $25 limit on our gifts, so I knew I could only get 5 little packets of deliciousness.

My theme for the book was ingredients for a successful marriage. I tried to find things my husband would like to cook with but that also followed the theme. Some of them were a bit of a stretch...but I think it worked overall.

I chose olive salt to represent forgiveness. A lamb herb rub for gentleness. An onion sugar to symbolize kindness. A smoky sea salt to remind us to have courage through the tears. And, finally, a sweet Spanish paprika to represent the importance of keeping "spiciness" alive in your marriage.

I gathered scrapbooking paper that we used at our wedding and some blue electrical tape to make the accordion book. Accordion books are easy to construct (there are some great tutorials floating around, so I won't waste your time explaining how to make one). This book won't win any awards in the technical department but the smile on my husband's face was reward enough (I think his cheesiness may be running off on me).

If you are looking for a last minute Valentine's Day present for the Cook in your life...here's an easy, fairly quick project for you!

Go Raid Your Junk Drawer for This Awesome Valentine

Source

I was smitten with this Valentine a few years ago. Design*Sponge has the most amazing Valentines! For our First Valentine's Day together, I started making one for Papa Bear, but ended up giving him something else.

My daughter is too young for this type of project, but I am thinking maybe next year. I think this would be terrific project for a preschooler.

Puzzle pieces would be perfect. A wine cork, an old key, a popsicle stick, a pinecone, an interesting tiny twig. The child could paint all the pieces made out of wood and cardboard. An adult could spray paint anything made out of metal or plastic.

It would be tons of fun to harness all that energy and get your child to clean out their toy-box a bit. Everyone could paint and then the adult could hot glue the found objects down on some foam core. Amazing.

Can you think of any other found objects that could be used?

Heifer International and Valentine's Day

 

 

 

Is it too early to talk about Valentine's Day? I wanted to share with you one the most inspirational organizations I know (Heifer International) and one of my ideas for how to support this organization this Valentine's Day.

 

This gift is perfect for a Sweetie who is "socially conscious" and would prefer not to get a massive bouquet of red roses grown in Columbia or Ecuador. Instead of dropping $60 on flowers and a card, why not give a simple gift that has the power to change entire communities? For almost 70 years, Heifer International, has been fighting hunger and poverty one cow at a time.

 

The idea is that you are purchase an animal (or a share of an animal) in someone's name. These animals are given to a family struggling with poverty. When the offspring of the animal is born, they are then "passed" on to their neighbors. So on and so forth...

The animals provide the families with income to better their lives and you have provided the gift recipient with the knowledge that their gift has the potential to change lives. There is a very powerful book called Beatrice's Goat (it tells the real-life story of how a little girl got the opportunity to go to school because of her family's involvement with "Heifer International").

You can have fun coming up with creative ways of pairing your donation with something tangible (possibly edible).

Here are some of my ideas...

1. If you buy a share of a goat (starting at $10)...also give a bar of goat milk soap.

2. If you buy a hive of honeybees ($30) ...also give a bunch of honey sticks.

3. If you buy a flock of chicks ($20)...also give some peeps (you know those cute, fluffy marshmallow baby chicks).

4. If you buy a flock of ducks ($20)....also give a cute rubber duckie.

5. If you buy a trio of rabbits (a share for $10 and all 3 for $60)...also give a chocolate bunny (I've started seeing them in stores already since Easter is so early this year).

6. If you buy a share of fish fingerlings ($30)...also give some Swedish fish.

 

You get the idea? Let your creativity run wild! And if you decide to support Heifer International this Valentine's Day, please tell me about it!

Finding a Peaceful Moment Together During Your Wedding Day

On Tuesday, Papa Bear and I celebrated our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

He had to work late but he sweetly brought home two fruit tarts for us to share. Sadly, we both passed out from exhaustion after we put our daughter to bed (and before we could devour those tarts together). Our Anniversary, didn't work out as planned (including our Anniversary Beach Trip where I ended up with a migraine for 2 of the 3 days).

Like Weddings (Life, in general)....things rarely go as planned (this is something difficult for my husband "the Planner" to accept).

One part of our "Bollywood Farm Wedding," I was really looking forward to was taking 15 minutes after we got married to hide away in a secret spot and be TOGETHER. I wanted a few peaceful, quiet minutes to savor together without being bombarded by the music and all the well-wishes from our very loving friends and family.

My husband didn't get it but he agreed to my idea. I had this idea that we would rush up the hill after getting married and race into the room we had chosen. And, then we would spend those 15 minutes feeling super-connected and staring into each other's eyes. It didn't happen that way...and that's okay.

We were constantly stopped on our way there, so it ended up taking at least 20 minutes to get there. I also didn't take into consideration how hyper and excited my husband gets in social settings. He was bouncing off the walls and peaking out the window to look at everyone. Not exactly the peace I was imagining but it was still a very special, beautiful time.

We talked about the ceremony and my dress and how amazing everything was while I put on more make-up. We tried to figure out where the van was going that we spied leaving (very generous friends were making a beer run ALREADY). We hugged and kissed and maybe squealed a little. It was just what we needed.

So, I try and tell folks planning their wedding, how very nice it is to have those little moment of Peace tucked into your schedule.

I will always treasure ours....Happy 2nd Anniversary Papa Bear!!!! Cheers to many, many more....I Lava You....

(Here I am in my parent's bathroom. This is the room we ended up being secluded in..no photos were taken during those 15 minutes, so this will have to do.)

Connecting. Sharing Your Bucket List.

Tuesday night, I was feeling tired and cranky and still brewing over an argument Papa Bear and I had had days earlier. Papa Bear tried to be all lovey-dovey and I was not having it. There was a definite disconnect.

Honestly, we have gotten really lazy about doing our "Daily Temperature Readings" and Other P.A.I.R.S. Tools. We learned all there terrific skills in our class and haven't been using them for the last two months or so. We weren't putting the time in (like only 10 minutes a day) and it was noticeable.

So, he turned off the T.V. and I turned off the computer and we spent 20 minutes taking turns sharing our "Bucket Lists." I have found that because we are always changing as people, our Bucket Lists are constantly changing as well. Maybe the Really Big Things stay the same but the little guys seem to be in constant flux.

It was great. We both felt listened to and we both got some ideas for more ways to support each other.

A simple (and kinda obvious) way to change your attitude about your relationship. No need to drop tons of money on planning an elaborate date to reconnect...just 20 minutes of sharing was all it took!

Happy Fourth! Oh, and Don't Forget to Harvest Your Garlic!

Happy July 4th! These photos were taken exactly two years ago today. I had found out a week before that I was pregnant.

We drove to Old Town to see the fire-works and sat in parking garage for TWO straight hours afterwards and swore we would never go back. Now, we live in Old Town and can walk there.

It's hard to believe how much life has changed since these photos (you know like me leaving Baltimore, shipping my faithful cat off to my parents, enduring a job I hated while pregnant, Planning a Wedding in Five Weeks, adapting to marriage, assimilating to living with the in-laws, having a home-birth but ending up in the hospital anyway, spending 16 days in NICU with our daughter, attuning to life as a Stay-at-Home Mama, helping Papa Bear become comfortable leaving his parent's nest, learning how to divide up chores and run a house-hold without killing each other, chasing after a child who was walking by 7 1/2 months, learning how to become a neater person, rarely seeing my beloved sister, parenting a highly spirited child, accepting the need to wean earlier than I wanted, surviving being woken up several times a night for the last 15 months, house-hunting with your polar opposite)...

It has been a Wild Ride these past two years. It's been tough...but I know I am living a life full of Blessings. I try to count them every single day. Enjoy all those fire-works!!!

As a side note...I was introduced to a great idea this past weekend. Plant your garlic cloves on Election Day and harvest your garlic on the Fourth of July. Brilliant!***

I plan growing my own garlic this year; it's suppose to be incredibly easy. You can even use your every day garlic sitting in your kitchen right now...just separate the cloves and plant them individually. This was recommended to me to be the BEST garlic to grow. Yum.


*** (That is...if you are in the United States).

A Simple P.A.I.R.S. Tool...Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad

Sometimes in rush of our daily lives, we don't even realize we are mad about something. Or sad. We shove everything down just to get through the day. And it builds up. That's why one of my favorite "P.A.I.R.S." tool is "Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad." 

Here's some back-ground. It's been almost two months, since my husband and I attended the four-day "Marriage Enrichment Class" taught by the Amazing Duo of Ellen and Chuck Purcell. (If you are living in driving distance of VA, check them out. One of the couples in our class, drove 8 hours to attend their class. At the end of the class, the couple said it was totally worth the drive).

P.A.I.R.S. has been around for 30 years or so and is known and respected by countless therapists (many of whom are trained in P.A.I.R.S.).

I highly recommend attending a workshop…if there is one in your area. But, they are few and far between...so that’s why I’m periodically sharing some of my favorite P.A.I.R.S. tools.

Like the “Daily Temperature Readings," "Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad," feels contrived and artificial in the beginning. But once they become part of your daily vocabulary, you stop feeling so self-conscious.  

To do this exercise, it's important to remember to...

1. Always ask your partner if they have ten minutes to do the exercise. If they don't, ask them why and when would be a good time.

2. Sit in the "leveling position." (Both people facing each other, knees touching, looking each other in the eyes and holding hands).

3. Stick to the format of Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad.

4. Save the discussions until afterwards.

5. Hug, Kiss, Give a little Appreciation when you are finished.

Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad Format

1.  Person # 1 asks "What are you mad about?" (doesn't have to be about their partner, could be about anything).

2. Person #2 says "I am mad about..."

3. Person #1 repeats back what they heard. If correct, Person #2 says okay. If not correct, Person #2 clarifies and Person #1 attempts again.

4. Repeat Steps 1-3.

5. Person # 1 asks "Is there anything else you are mad about?"

6. If Person # 2 says there is nothing, then you move on to sad.

7. Person #1 asks "What are you sad about?"

8. Repeat Steps 2-6.

9. Person # 1 asks "What are you scared about?"

10. Repeat Steps 2-6.

11. Person #1 asks "What are you glad about?"

12. Hug.

13. Switch roles. Person #2 does all the asking and repeating back, while Person #1 does all the sharing.

14. Hug.


***Many couples alternate daily Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad with Daily Temperature Readings. (The whole point being, if you airing out your emotions on a regular basis, you will be less likely to have super big blow-outs).



Phew...you got that? It looks more complicated in print than it is in real-life. It's very, very easy to do once you try it a few times.

This exercise only takes ten minutes or so but you feel so much more connected to your partner than spending 2 hours in front of the T.V. together. Try it a few times and tell me what you think.

During our workshop, I was taken aback by the surprising things that came out of my mouth when we were doing Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad. I didn't even KNOW I was feeling those things (which is surprising since I'm a pretty introspective kind of person).

I think this is a particularly powerful tool for partners who struggle to express their feelings. They have a safe space to express exactly what they are feeling. And they are being listened to with empathy. And that's all any of us really want, you know?

Hope you are able to glean a little something from this post. If you missed them, go check out my other P.A.I.R.S. posts on a Daily Temperature Reading and Caring Behaviors.