Four Years.

"He was my future husband, of that I was scarily certain, although I knew nothing more about him than that. It would become my repeated resolution to keep it that way. To know nearly nothing of him, and to expect nothing, for the long life of our marriage.

When we think we know someone, you see, we are already halfway to disappointment, and no one needs a head start on that.

This is not how we have learned to choose our partners, is it? This is not how we greet people, is it? With an open mind? With an eager hand? Like an unopened gift? Not when we make a life's work out of finding and keeping the perfect mate, the ideal match for our economic aspirations, political views, religious preference, height, weight, taste in coffee, and wardrobe sensibility - all ways we foolishly seek in another mere validation for ourselves. When we believe we know what's good for us, what's right, and what we're looking for - and believe me, we all do - we condemn all our current relationships and doom the ones to come."

                   - from Hand Wash Cold by Karen Maezen Miller 

Your Heart is Always Whole, Just as the Moon is Always Full.

"Your heart is always whole, just as the moon is always full. Your life is always complete. You just don't see it that way.

"Just let everything and anything be so, as it is, without using any kind of standard by which we make ourselves satisfied, dissatisfied, happy, or unhappy. Then you'll see the plain and the clear fact," Roshi told me on the recording.

All that time I'd spent listening for the hidden message in his words, I hadn't heard even a world."


-Karen Maezen Miller from her latest book "Paradise in Plain Sight."

Born Out of What You Don't Like Much at All.

"You could probably say much the same for other marriages, because marriage seems to give us far more of what we dislike in one another than what we like. We might quickly conclude that we chose poorly: erring by type, looks, interests, values, background, or beliefs. This may be the case, but it's still irrelevant. It's what we do with our mismatch that matters. Deep, transformational love is born out of what you don't much like at all."


-Karen Maezen Miller from "hand wash cold: care instructions for an ordinary life"



I am so thrilled. She is coming to D.C. to Lil Omm Yoga Studio. Saturday, June 21st and Sunday June 22nd. You can register here.

Love is the Form.

"Life is all about love.

I can't imagine what more there could be to it.

We've all come here for love: to get it and to give it, there being no separation between the two sides of the transaction.

Love is the reason we do everything, and love is the reward.

Love is the spirit and love is the form."


         - Karen Maezen Miller, author of "Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life"

Our Day of the Dead Celebration

 

 

 

I set up a little vase of Marigolds from our yard, a candle, some sage and incense in front of our Puja. The 2 1/2 year loves watching incense burn and saying Omm.

 

We talked about Spot the Cat (her reference point about Death).

 

I said a prayer for those who have Passed On and I carry in my Heart...

 

Grandma Caroline. Grandma Elizabeth. Popop. Ba (Sharda). Dave Elder. Cousin Mary. Grandma Domm. Grandma Bee. Deeva. Gene R.. Gene B.. Marion. Johnnie. Jamie. Jack. Barry. Granny. Hermant Uncle. Sequoia. Kim. Eric. Cathy Jo. Sarah F. Jennifer. Walter. Josh. Taylor. Terry. George. 

 

May all you have found Peace.

 

Movement. Stillness.

 

The author of one of my all-time favorite books (Momma Zen) was in D.C. this past Weekend. She gave two different workshops at the fantastic Yoga Studio, Lil Omm (a space I had been meaning to check out for quite awhile).

Karen Maezen Miller is a Zen Priest, Mama and Wife. She writes in a warm, engaging style and is just as lovely in person. Her books are always on my bedside table and I have quoted them several times here on my Blog. They have brought me much peace as I stumble along each day.

I went to her workshop on Saturday, where she led everyone through a wonderfully, restorative Yoga class. The class was about the Stillness in Movement. Sunday's class was about Movement in Stillness (at least that is what Lil Omm's write-up said, unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it to Sunday's Meditation and Dharma Talk).

I had not know that she had spent many years teaching Yoga (she had never mentioned it in any of her books). I went because I just wanted to have the chance to hear her talk. I didn't expect to be inspired to restart my Yoga practice.

I hate driving in D.C. and got lost (as usual). I ended up being stressed out about making it to the class on time, but my stress soon dissipated within minutes of walking through the door. It was lovely to devote a few hours to myself. Thanks to my Mother, I knew my girls were in good hands and I was able to truly be present during the class.

Karen's reminder, of the importance of breath and especially the exhale, has stayed with my the last few days. I have tried to really remember to take all those helpful deep belly breaths throughout the day.

Even though I had missed my usual hour of napping with the girls, it was amazing how refreshed I felt after the class!

Feeling much Gratitude.

Our Wedding Ceremony: Gathering Words

 

 

I recently stumbled across a program from our "Bollywood Farm Wedding." And, I realized that I had never actually written about how I created our Wedding Ceremony, which is a shame because it was what I put most of my energy into.

Let me tell you, it's hard to find an "Inter-faith Jain Wedding Ceremony" floating around the Internet. Or even an "Indian Inter-Faith Wedding Ceremony." I looked and looked and looked.

I wanted to use some Jain Prayers and pay homage to my Husband's Indian heritage without being sacrilegious. He didn't want to be married by a Priest and have a traditional Jain Ceremony.

If we weren't going to be married by a Jain Priest, I thought it would be poignant to be married by our Mothers. But, his is very shy, so my Mama was the sole Officiant. My parents were married by a relative and my Grand-parents were married by my Great-great-grandfather. So, it seemed right.

Our Ceremony began when my Husband processed out with 20 or so of his friends and cousins in an "Informal Baraat".

Then, his Brother and Father welcomed everyone. His Mother and an Auntie said the Navakar Mantra. And, then there was the Bridal Procession (more on that later).

My Mother then spoke these Gathering Words.

I love this quote...


"Each of us was brought into the world without any decision of his own. Each of us was stamped with the condition of mortality from the moment of conception. And so, of the three most significant events in our lives, birth, marriage, and death, it is only marriage that we have the full power of personal decision."

                                     -Robert Senghas

Letting Go. Being Okay With the Mess.

 

Sometimes it's easy to find yourself saying "no" when your child is getting caught up in playing and making a big mess. All you can focus on is "oh, no...how long is this going to take to clean?"

I am trying to just to LET GO. And, enjoy her smile and her pure Joy at being completely and utterly engaged in her work.

I feel like I am finally getting to the place where I can be okay and say...the clean-up is totally worth it. What's a few minutes of scrubbing and sweeping compared to an hour or so of utter enchantment?

 

 

 

 

To Know Nearly Nothing.

 

 

 

 

"Minutes later the revolving front door turned again. A dark-haired man in a white shirt entered. I watched the waiter lead him in my direction, into my room, into my corner, into the old woman's still-warm seat, eyeing me all the while, making clear to me, at least, the main course he was serving.

 

I was afraid I knew who this man was. I was afraid I knew who had come to have dinner beside me. I was afraid I knew, but for once I wasn't afraid.

 

He was my future husband, of that I was scarily certain, although I knew nothing more about him than that. To know nearly nothing of him, and to expect nothing, for the long life of our marriage.

 

When we think we know someone, you see, we are already halfway to disappointment, and no one needs a head start on that.

 

This is not how we have learned to choose our partners, is it? This is not how we greet people, is it? With an open mind? With an eager hand? Like an unopened gift? Not when we make a life's work out of finding and keeping the perfect mate, the ideal match for our economic aspirations, political views, religious preferences, height, weight, taste in coffee, and wardrobe sensibility - all the ways we foolishly see in another mere validation for ourselves. When we believe we know what's good for us, what's right, and what we're looking for - and believe me, we all do - we condemn all our current relationships and doom the ones to come."

 

-one of my favorite excerpts from Karen Maezen Miller's Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life

 

 

 

*** Photo of the sweet bouquet my Husband brought home to me for our Wedding Anniversary yesterday

Mattie Stepanek Reminds Us to "Play after a Storm"

 

If you have been reading my Blog for a bit, you may have discovered that I am a fan of Mattie Stepanek's work. His short life was incredibly inspiring (Maya Angelou and Former President Jimmy Carter were also huge fans of Mattie). It never ceases to amaze me, how such a young child could write such poetry. Here and here are some examples of his poems. His Mother is also a Hero of mine.

Since, we've been having some many Summer Storms, recently, here in Northern Virginia, I thought this poem was appropriate...

For Mr. Thompson

The people who like poetry are special.
They are the same people who hear
Lullabies and wind chimes
When the birds are noisy together.
They are the ones who see
Star-gifts in every season -
Tree-stars in the fall,
Snow-stars in the winter,
Dandelion-fairy-stars in the spring, and
Lightning-bug-stars in the summer.
They are the ones who have
Favorite colors that are wonderful gifts
Like sunset or rainbow or treasure.
They are the ones who have a
Song in their heart and
Words in their mind that
Come together and slip out
Into the air or onto paper as a gift
To someone else, or even themselves.
The people who like poetry are probably
The ones who know how to celebrate
Even when things are sad or happy.
We remember that sometimes,
Even if we don't understand why,
That the rain falls for a reason.
We remember how important it is
To play after a storm, just because
We need to keep playing and living.
And, we are the people who remember
To say thank You for God for our gifts.

-May 1996 (six years old) Mattie Stepanek

Pain Finds Us Without Fail

"Life is suffering. No one can make less of it. Pain finds us without fail. Hearts break; dreams die; hatred flourishes; sickness prevails; people and promises leave without a trace. I dare not trivialize. I only dare to turn toward the glimmer and let it lift me into a moment's radiant grace. This is the turn we have to take over and over, to make our way home, to reach the untrammeled peace, the pure marvel, of an ordinary life. We must finally see that the light we seek streams from our very own eyes and always has."

By Karen Maezen Miller from Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life

Not On A Shelf

 

 

"From the standpoint of the ego self, which is easy to recognize as your judging mind, life seems to come at you like a continual inconvenience or, at worst, a massive invasion. We try to dodge the bullet. To get by unscathed. We situate and orchestrate, map, plot, outsmart, and engineer. All of this fruitless effort is undone by the simple fact that life does not occur outside of us. It is not separate or even an arm's distance away, not on a shelf or a drawing board, never in a parking garage. It can't be entrusted to a valet driver because it never leaves our hands.

 

 

What's more, when we stay awake and focused on what is immediately obvious, the here and now, life never demands of us more than we can handle. It is always easier done than said."

 

 

-Karen Maezen Miller from Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life 

My Current Bucket List

Every time I start a new journal I write down a new "Bucket List."It's interesting to see how it changes every few months, depending on what is interesting me at that moment.

Here are a few things from my Current Bucket List...

1. Walk the Camino
2. Write and finish a Novel
3. Successfully complete National Novel Writing Month
4. Make a Stain-glass window
5. WWOOF on a farm
6. Learn how to make goat cheese
7. Visit India
8. Build a Herbal Spiral
9. Make a Pair of Wedding Rings with Papa Bear
10. Work my way through The 4-Hour Chef
11. Go to Burning Man
12. Spend the night in a Yurt
13. Make a Cob Oven
14. Take my girls to Prince Edward Island (after reading Anne of Green Gables to them)
15. Drive a Model T through Yosemite
16. Take a TRE Workshop
17. Take a Tintype
18. Help build a house
19. Take a class from a Cobbler and make my own shoes
20. Make a quilt
21. Become a certified Yoga Instructor
22. Visit the Buddhist Temple in Poolesville

My Love for "Love Dharma"

Love Dharma...  I can't tell you how many times I have bought this book and sent it to friends. It is the perfect antidote to a bad break-up. It has lifted me out of the Darkness after several heart-breaks and helped ground me during my tumultuous '20s. It may possibly be my favorite book. Or at least, one of the most influential.

This is not to say that this book would win any serious literary awards. Geri Larkin's writing is not something that will stand the test of time. If my daughters read it, (when they are in their '20s) they will probably say it feels dated. But, I don't care.

This book speaks to me. Larkin is a Buddhist monk who has been married 3 or 4 times, raised 2 children (including a son whom she almost lost to a drug addiction), had a high-flying corporate job and started a Sangha in the middle of Detroit. She's seen a lot.

It's refreshing to hear some Love Advice from someone who has been in a lot of relationships. You don't have to be a Buddhist or have any Spiritual back-ground to find Wisdom in this book. It's just plain good Advice. Her writing is open and accessible and makes you feel like you are sitting down for a cup of tea and a chat with a long-lost friend.

Larkin introduces the reader to numerous Buddhist women throughout history. Most of them are not well-known. She talks about the Crazy Wisdom these women found in Buddhism. I glean something new from this book every time I pick it up.

Can you tell how much I love this book?

A Simple Secular Dinner Prayer

Praying Hands (Photo credit: C Jill Reed)

I think teaching children about Gratitude is extremely important. A few months ago, I decided it was time for our family to start Giving Thanks before eating.

We eat meat and so I think it's particularly imperative to recognize the fact that an animal gave it's life for our body's nourishment before we chow down.

I was pleasantly surprised by my daughter's reaction. She was around 22 months or so, when we began this ritual. I did it maybe three or four times, before SHE became the one to remind us to pray. She calls it "jay-jay" (what her Indian Grand-mother calls praying).

Honestly, I forget sometimes. And, boy, do I get the smack down from the "jay-jay" police. She harasses everyone at the table to fold their hands properly and close their eyes. And, you better be snappy about it. Of course, she still likes to sneak a bite or two, while I'm saying a prayer (or at least that is what her Daddy and Papa have told me). But, I am happy that our family is making Giving Thanks a daily habit.

Here is a simple Dinner Prayer from The Complete Buddhism for Mothers

The Joys and Pains of all beings

are present in the gift of this food.

Let us receive it in Love

and Gratitude...

I like it because it's brief, yet profound. And, feels it very secular to me. I think I'll start teaching it to my daughter is a few months.

Making Candles in Rememberance

English: A lit candle in the dark Español: Una vela encendida en la obscuridad (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like much of the country, I've been overwhelmed with the horror of the recent school shootings in Newtown, CT.

Saturday night, I made my first batch of beeswax candles. When I bought the supplies for the candles, my intention was to make some home-made Christmas presents. Now, I think I'm going to use most of them to light in memory of those that were lost.

If you are looking for a simple way to channel your feelings about the shooting, I know I found comfort in making candles to honor the victims. It was surprisingly easy to do. It only took me around an hour or so to make 12 candles. Once you get the hang of it, I'm sure it will take less time.

I think this could be an appropriate activity for 3rd graders and up. Younger children could help with some of the steps, but I think an adult with very steady hands should probably pour the wax into the mold.

Here is my post showing the video that I used to learn how to make the candles. The only thing I did differently was dip the entire wick in the melted wax. This made the wick more wire-like and made threading the wick through the mold much easier. You can also use vegetable oil instead of the silicone release spray.

I found my beeswax at the Baltimore Farmers' Market. The small flat braid wicking was purchased from Michaels. I borrowed my Mother's ancient candle taper mold which ended up leaking and creating lopsided tips. Not the most perfect candles but made with love.

My Gratitude Practice

 

 



I have always considered myself a rather Spiritual person. I remember being 8 years old, sitting on our stone fence, looking out at those gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains, contemplating Life and its Meaning.

Since becoming a Mama, my mediation pillow hasn't seen much action and my private little altar has gathered some serious dust. I haven't mediated regularly this past year. Nor, have I prayed much.

But, what I have done is think of "Five Things I'm Grateful For" every night before I go to bed.

I can actually give credit to my Blog for jump-starting the habit. Last November, I decided to write out a daily list of "Five Things I'm Grateful For." It stuck.

Some nights, I struggle to come up with five. Other nights, I just keep going and going. It's a really peaceful way to end your day. I'm looking forward to introducing the concept to my daughter, in a few years. Nothing like Gratitude to cut through all the muck in your life.

And Yet There is Such a Thing as Happiness.

 

One of the most Talented-Hit-Me-in-the-Gut-With-Her-Wisdom authors that I've stumbled across recently is the writer, Karen Maezen Miller. She's a Mama and a Zen Teacher.

Her book, Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood, is a treasure. I've underlined half the book. No joke.

Here is one of my favorite passages,

And yet there is such a thing as happiness. There is such a place as bliss. When you drop your expectations, forget your grievances, give up your worries, abandon the plan, stop your striving, let it out, let it go, let things pass, take a breath, take a break, quiet down, be still, empty your mind, open your heart, and come alive, what else is there to be but happy?

I know I feel so much happier when I let go of all the hundreds of little annoyances that occur when spending the day with a toddler. My daughter constantly reminds me of the folly of clinging TOO tightly to my plan.  She reminds me that it's not the end of the world when I don't get my way. She reminds me to frequently take deep breaths. Whenever I start feeling resentful or stressed out, I need to read this passage again.

Karen Maezen Miller will be in D.C. teaching the The Art of Non-Parenting: Discovering the Wisdom of Easy on October 20th and Deeper Still: A Breath and Meditation Workshop on October 21st. $40 for each workshop. I can't wait.

Helping a Toddler Find Inner Peace and Calm

 

Right now, we are smack in-the-middle-of-the-twos...except that my daughter is about to turn 18 months. Loads of tantrums. Loads of frustration. CONSTANTLY.

One thing I have been really working on with my kiddo is teaching her how to stop and take a few breaths when she is upset.

A month ago, I started by calmly walking over to her when she had thrown herself on ground and started thrashing and screaming. I would kneel down by her and gently place my hands on her chest and say, "take a deep breath, my Love, take a deep breath."  I would then take 4 or 5 deep breaths to show her how it was done. It would take 10 seconds or so for her to listen, take some deep breaths and to calm down. I did this "every time she had a tantrum" (which some mornings was like once every 10 minutes).

It didn't take long for her to grasp the concept. Now, when I see a tantrum about to erupt, I say, "okay, take some deep breaths."  And, she does immediately. Frequently, we are able to nip that tantrum in the bud. She is able to remain calm and communicate with me what is frustrating her.

It's awe-inspiring seeing this little person take control of her feelings and learn how to find a little Inner Calmness.

I have also found that I am having more patience throughout the day - because I am pausing and taking more deep breaths.....when I am about to have my own melt-down. It's so simple, yet, so easy to forget to do.

When I am about to lose it, I tell her, "Mommy, is very frustrated right now and needs to sit down and take some deep breaths." Knowing she is watching my every move makes me more committed to staying calm and focusing on my breath.

Our days are much more peaceful (for now). And, I am very, very grateful.

Month of Beauty...A Sentence

As mentioned here, I've been reading this this book. It's been an anchor for me. I flip it open and randomly read a paragraph or two throughout the day. I inhale each little gem.

Have you ever read a sentence and gasp and have to put down the book? Because those few words, arranged in a such a way, touch you in a way you can't adequately explain?

"We don't need to travel the world, collect impressive experiences or achieve endless milestones in order to feel complete."

She goes on to say, " What we seek is within us. The answer is to change where we look for it."

Thank you, Sarah Napthali. I needed to hear those words right now.