My husband
gave me the best birthday present last Month. We attended an intense four-day
Marriage Enrichment class where P.A.I.R.S. skills were taught by Ellen and Chuck Purcell. Besides giving birth, it
was one of my most profound experiences of my life.
We crammed
in a lot of learning during the 28 hours of class. P.A.I.R.S. training has been
around for 30 years or so and is highly respected by many therapists. I have already mentioned how we learned about
the importance of engaging in Caring Behaviors, here in this post.
Periodically,
I will be explaining some of the skills we were taught in our workshop. Of
course, nothing beats going to an actual class…if you have the chance, jump on
it. But, that’s not always possible...so that’s why I’m going to be sharing
some of these helpful skills.
The
cornerstone of P.A.I.R.S is a tool called “Daily Temperature Readings.” A lot
of the tools feel clunky and artificial but start feeling natural once they
become part of your daily vocabulary. My husband and I have had fun making this
part of our family life.
We did an
interesting warm-up exercise before diving into practicing our Daily
Temperature Readings. First, we were asked to talk to each other while standing
back to back. I kept fighting the urge to turn around and look at my husband. Try
it….
Next, one
partner stood looking straight away while the other person stood with their
back to their partner at a ninety degree angle. This also felt strange.
Then, one
partner stood over their sitting partner, afterwards we switched positions.
Besides a sore neck, this position made the sitter feel very powerless.
Our final
position found both of us sitting in chairs, with our knees touching, holding
hands and looking each other in the eye. In P.A.I.R.S, it is referred to as the
“leveling position.” When you do your Daily Temperature Reading, you should do
so while sitting in the “leveling position.”
It is also
essential to always ask your partner if they have time to do a Daily
Temperature Reading and to give them an estimate of how long the process will
take (a Daily Temperature Reading can easily be done in 5 minutes or so).
Once you’ve
asked permission and are sitting in the “leveling position” it’s time….baby….
Here are the Steps of a
Daily Temperature Readings
1. Provide some appreciation (I really
appreciate how you folded the laundry, even though it’s my job…Thank you).
2. Share some New Information (I found
some really well-made sandals for the Baby Girl on Zappos).
3. Share something that Puzzled you (I
am puzzled as to why got off the phone with me so quickly today).
4. Express a complaint with a request
for change (It really upsets me when you leave your socks on the sofa, could
you please put them in the hamper?)
5. Share a Hope, Wish and/or Dream (I am
really hoping that we can have a Date Night next week).
6. Give each other a long hug.
7. Other partner’s turn.
Bam….that’s it. Really straight-forward, right? Ellen and
Chuck explained that some couples leave P.A.I.R.S. and only incorporate Daily
Temperature Readings into their lives. Doing this several times a week has been
enough to completely transform marriages. It’s amazing how just spending less
than 10 minutes a day can bring a couple closer!
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